My mom is crushing it in life. She’s by far the happiest and the most full of life person I know. She’s patient, kind, lacks situational awareness (even more than I do) and laughs often. She’s never had any real career aspirations or accomplished any conventional success, but she did show up at her government job day in and day out for decades to support our family.
As a teenager, I told myself, I’ve got to make something of my life to not end up being ordinary like mom. As an adult, I thought to myself, I wish I could ever be half as content with life as mom’s always been. She might be the biggest winner in the game of life that I know.
Watching mom moving through life for over three decades, I’ve concluded that mom is winning the game of life with three clear strategies:
Strategy #1 – Mom knows what she wants; she doesn’t compare her journey or timeline with anyone else’s and pursues what makes her truly happy non-apologetically.
Mom and dad were introduced when she was 21 and expected to be married by 22. In spite of the conventional wisdom in the 70s and 80s in China, mom wanted a longer period of time getting to know dad better, and managed to convince grandparents and dad a 4-year dating window before considering marriage.
Shortly after they tied the knot, mom was pregnant and it was a boy. China then, and in many ways still does today, placed a much higher societal value on boys. It was also the beginning of the one-child policy. This combination led to a growing number of abortions of girls with the attempt to conceive a boy. Not for my mom though. She decided that she wasn’t ready to become a mom then, and somehow managed to convince dad with an abortion. Grandparents were furious after they found out months later and mom recalled doctors were also questioning her decision simply because it was a boy. A few years later, she felt she was ready to enter motherhood, and I was born.
Strategy #2 – Mom shows up for those she loves consistently and she’s never shy from expressing her love and affection.
When I turned 30, my long term relationship then was falling apart. There were no big fights or evident signs but we both knew something was off. After attempting to address our challenges and failing over a few months, I knew at my heart it’d likely not work out. I was both dreading my impending failure to meet the societal expectation for women to marry by 30, and equally worrying that I might never meet a better man.
After a few months of agonising over how to break the news to mom that her only daughter was considering becoming single again at the age of 30 without inflicting massive disappointment from mom, I finally let it out by the Danang seashore during a family vacation in Vietnam.
It was a beautiful and calming sunset hour, when everything was engulfed by the golden colours. I remember vividly how quiet and warm the waves were. We sat in the water side by side. Mom nodded patiently as I unloaded on her a 20-min monologue that felt like an eternity to me, and smiled and said – my darling, don’t overthink it. You are still so young and have a whole life ahead of you. Don’t trap yourself in a relationship that’s not right for you. Trust me. A committed relationship should feel easy. And if it feels this hard now, do both of you a favour and walk away. I will always have your back.
I felt an instant wave of relief washing over me, as we sat closer to watch the sun slowly dipping into the horizon afar, and murmured, thank you mom, your support of my decision means the world to me.
Mom has always been my biggest advocate and the most loyal cheerleader. I cannot recall her ever being angry or the slightest impatient with me; and instead, she’d always showered me with compliments and love for as long as I could remember – “you are the best thing ever happened to me”, “you are so awesome” etc. I later learnt in life that mom’s unrivalled confidence in me was not without consequence as I grew to be made acutely aware of my lack of situational awareness and blind confidence as an adult. It did help me become more fearless and un-bullied-able at school though, as I was completely oblivious to any name calling. Because I always knew in my heart that mom loves me to death and she thinks I am the best.
Strategy #3 – be as curious and excited about life as humanly possible.
Mom grew up in a traditional household, and yet managed to become free-spirited, curious, open-minded and non-judgemental. For all my relationships, she’s never once asked me about my partners’ jobs or titles, achievements, family backgrounds or the depth of their bank accounts – all are pretty classic prerequisites to any other typical Chinese parents otherwise. She does go deep into how they show up for me and how they make me feel.
Mom learnt how to drive at 40, and salsa dance five years later. She was also the first one in the family who actively adopted short video platforms before TikTok became a thing. She picked up video editing and photography on her own and grew a few thousand followers across platforms.
When I was struggling in the middle of a COVID-induced depressive episode that exploded into a full-blown self identity crisis, my parents took me in. She never once questioned or shamed me on my clear lack of enthusiasm about much of anything then. Instead, she’d entertain our hour-long walks everyday around the same neighbourhood lake, where she would nod along to my monologue about my growing lack of ambitions and my fear of becoming ordinary.
One day, in one of those walks, she looked up at me with a quiet smile – my dear, there’s nothing wrong with being ordinary. I am probably the most ordinary person you’d ever know but I am okay with that. I am grateful for every day. You don’t need a grand goal in life or anyone’s validation to be enough. You are and have always been enough, my love. Whatever you choose to do with your life next, you will always be the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will always be here rooting for you.
I bursted out in tears.
I know I am the lucky one, and I never question that one of the greatest fortunes in my life is being raised by my mom. If I ever have the privilege to parent children of my own, I wish I could be half a mom as what she’s been for me.
I love you to the moon and back, mom, forever and ever.
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