I was lucky enough to have recently taken an extended dive trip in the Maldives. There were so many fond memories, inspiring discussions with friends I love, and interesting souls I adored and connected with. One moment though that I will carry with me forever is this particular dive we did in the open Indian ocean.
Without getting into too many details, it involved travelling on a dive boat 1.5 hours in the open ocean south to Fuvahmulah (an island in the South of Maldives that’s known for tiger shark diving) to try to catch a glimpse of the oceanic whitetip shark that allegedly appeared some days before our arrival.
The plan is we would stop the engine in the middle of nowhere in the open ocean, jump one by one closely into the deep blue, drift with the strong currents to catch a rope connected to a buoy set up prior, as a stopping point for us to hang onto and wait for the oceanic whitetip to appear. Of course, there would be some charming around the buoy before we jump.
Sounds great and off we went.
In our second attempt, the currents were so strong that as soon as I caught the rope, my regulator and mask were all over the place. And I developed an immense gratitude to the basic weight trainings I did prior that somehow enabled me to hold onto this rope with all my life. I was told after that we were only by the rope for 5-10mins max before calling it quit and letting go off the rope to drift away as a group. It sure felt like a century to me.
In that century, many thoughts rushed to my mind, such as:
- What am I doing here?
- Why am I holding onto this rope in the middle of an open ocean??
- Where is this oceanic whitetip???
- When can we let go of this rope????
- God my arms hurt! Don’t you let go Demi Yu!! Don’t you let go!!!
In the end, we didn’t catch any glimpse of the oceanic whitetip after two attempts and spent another 2-3 hours travelling back to the shore.
While it might have been one of the craziest things I have ever attempted under the water, it sure felt so right, so exhilarating and so me. It was one of those moments I had always lived for and one of those memories I knew as soon as we surfaced that I would always treasure.
One of my dearest friends remarked on our way back from the trip that he reckoned I would be one of those who’d have jumped onto any expedition in the 16th century the age of great marine and terrestrial exploration. The same way I’ve been wandering off ten different countries and dozens of cities since I left Nanning at the age of 18.
He’s probably right.
That strong sense of curiosity, the insatiable desire to experience yet another different world, the innate ability to process the fear of letting go of my present world – drove me to pack things up and jump onto the next journey time and time again. All of that curiosity, desire and the ability to execute is inherently me.
And yet, to recognise and appreciate that core part of who I am has been such an acquired skill and one that I am still on a journey to get better at.
Make no mistake that I am fully aware – to be in a position where I can spend two weeks in the Maldives diving, companied by great friends I love dearly, and to get to know many new inspiring souls, is such a privilege. But for the longest time, this position was simply not enough or even comfortable to me. Why is that?
It all began with a little voice seeded by a societal norm that started to manifest in my head at some point in my 30s. And it typically went something like this:
- Everyone around me seems to be happily engaged in a meaningful relationship whether be in the form of marriage or not; most of my girlfriends are raising a family
- Why am I still single and what’s wrong with me?
- Do I have too unrealistic standards? Am I too demanding? Am I not easy to get along with? Am I too intimidating for guys in general? If so, could it be because of my perceived fast-tracked career? If so, if I could slow down a bit or make less money would that help with my romantic prospect? …
So on and so forth. And it could get crazier.
I cannot recall the number of nights where I questioned my life decisions entirely, or contemplated quitting a job I liked because I felt they contributed to my singlehood, something I wanted to end with such a sense of urgency.
Never did I anticipate that one of the more difficult aspects in life would be – learning how to be unapologetically single and unsettled as a 30-something woman with a perceived accelerated career. No matter how hard I tried, it always seemed daunting to not get triggered when asked – Why are you still single? Why haven’t you settled down yet? Is city XYZ finally where you would settle down in? Do you regret focusing too much on your career? Do you regret moving around so many countries and cities (therefore missing out on potential partners)?
Before we rush me to a therapist, I have also grown to become well aware that the reality is most likely nobody (maybe other than my loving parents) else truly cares. The fact that I felt triggered to be questioned my state of being and a pressing need to be in a relationship is a reflection of how I perceived singlehood. Only I in theory have all the power to truly judge myself. And my perception of the reality reflects my very own judgements on me.
If I disregard my singlehood for a moment, my prior life decisions contributed appox. 10% of where I am today (however small 10% may sound, it’s a critical part that I can control because the remaining >90% are attributed to luck, in my book) – a position where I am blessed with:
- a strong body and mind
- a comfortable financial position for my present life style
- the freedom of time
- a strong supporting network of great friends
- a very rich experience through living in ten different countries
- meaningful romantic relationships with two incredible men
- a very open and healthy relationship with a pair of loving parents
What more can I possibly wish for?
In the Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien wrote in “The Riddle of Strider” –
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.
To wander off the hardened road is evidence of recognising and celebrating who we are. I raise my cup to anyone willing to charter their own paths – to be unapologetically comfortable with what they want and willing to endure all the consequences thereafter.
I hope that I will eventually grow to become truly comfortable with any state of being, to have the courage and conviction to say unapologetically – Yes, I am wandering but I am never lost.